If you don’t have fucking balls, step off the stage

I find it hilarious when people try to justify shit. Justification is ball-less 5th grader crap, if you don’t got ballz, go home and put your fucking diaper on.

Case in point, I spent the early night playing guitar over at a classmates house, getting to know them and jamming. Eerything’s cool, we play several songs and they turn in. Well, its only 11:20 on fucking weeknight, where’s the party at?? amirite?? So I went to the open mic at a local bar since i have my git in the trunk. Order a beer, there is this old dude just fucking rocking out, singing old hippy protest songs, making fun of rednecks, it wasn’t half bad.

This dude yells out WE GOT NEXT!! like obnoxiously loud. It turns out he wanted his buddy to play guitar. So he gets up there drunkenly and play a song. He’s mediocre, not great, but has some fucking potential. He is too nervous in his voice and it is basically on mute as far as I am concerned. Anyways I lost interest, but from what I did hear he sounded like Jeff tweedy of uncle Tupelo/Wilco fame. Which is sort of badass to me. So i complement, not being a douche i try to make people feel good about what they do.

We chat a bit about Unlce Tupelo, and I say he lets do Moonshiner together on the stage. I’m feeling good after a Kashmir IPA from Highland Brewing Co. in NC ($2.50 drafts d00d!!) and its one of my cover songs. So I borrow some guys guitar (his name was Brisket lol) and start off the song, the dude come up and sings in the mic with me. I love jamming so its cool. We do the song. then he walks off stage. Ofcourse I rock right out into King of California by my idol Dave Alvin, putting all my heart into it. People from the bar move up closer to the stage, I was a fucking rockstar! Anyways, I left after my second song, 2 very attractive females sat down at my table. the both work at the bar and one is a musician herself. I don’t care because I’m married and wear my ring with pride.

The dude comes up and cheers me and gives me compliments and shit. Clearly using me as a segue to hawt girls at my table (though i have no interest in flirting with other woman, I wont lie, i like to be surrounded by hawt wymyn! does that make me an ass?). But strangely, he starts dissing himself in front of us. I’m thinking, “Hello?? McFly??” but he’s going on about how he didnt sound good because he isn’t used to being amplified, the sound bounces everywhere, yadda yadda yadda fucking yadda. And then praises me, telling me I’m clearly not amateur, i had a good voice, play awesumly, etc.

I’m totez stoked you enjoyed my playing, but stop kissing my ass and dissing yourself in front of women you clearly want to hit on. What the fuck are you? A sneaker male or something?? He even winked at me when I left, as if I was going to do anything with them LMAO.

The moral of the story is Grow two fucking ballz and called me in the morning. I’m not interested in smooches on my ass and dissing yourself doesn’t gain sympathy points. Said growth of ballz will aide in your confidence in front of a microphone. And seriously dudes, learn how to hit on women! Being married and not interested in the “game” anymore has really opened my eyes to all the idiots out there trying to get some at the bar. It has provided endless entertainment for me and I end up the one talking to the ladies because they are not threatened by me, I just wanna hang out and drink beer, no other motives.

LOL YOU FAILZ!!!

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3 Responses to If you don’t have fucking balls, step off the stage

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention If you don’t have fucking balls, step off the stage | -- Topsy.com

  2. scotchgirl says:

    You’ve hit on one of my pet peeves of the bar scene. Seriously, if you’re interested in me, don’t make yourself look like any more of an idiot than you already do. And for Dionysus’ Sake, don’t whine about how women don’t like you! Why would you think I would be interested in talking to you after you tell me that every woman you know has rejected you?

    I really need to write a The Science of Buying a Girl a Drink post. Have some great horror stories there.

  3. El Picador says:

    Not being in the game (or, technically the *appearance* of not being in the game) is a damn good strategy for being in the fucking game. According to my misbegotten youth self anyway. Now, I don’t see hawt-people. They can all fuck right the hell off. Unless one is serving me my next beer.

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