In defense of Four Loko

Little Miss Ethanol here. This is my first post, and Imma go on a rant because I know Four loko is all in the news lately, kids are going crazy over it, and people are going crazy over banning it.

As I type, kids all over the country are rushing their local gas stations, convenience stores, and other places of alcohol procurement in order to get their share of four loko and other alcoholic energy drinks before the ban goes into effect.

And you know what? This shit has happened before.

Does anyone remember Sparks? sparks!

That shit ruled. 2 years ago, when I was a more youthful woman, I would rely on Sparks to help me fulfill my moral imperative of partying after a long day of science in the lab. You see, sometimes you are working so incredibly hard that you might be too tired to party. That’s where Sparks came in. Just one of these babies lit you up like its namesake and you were ready to go for the night. And then the fucking man made them take out all the caffiene and it just became a sugary gross 7% alcohol drink.

But but but but but, you say. But four loko is 12% alcohol!!!! ITZ SEW DANGEROUSSSS.

I say, BIG FUCKING DEAL. I drank a Joose this weekend (also 12% EtOH + caffiene), and it fucking ruled. But the keyword in that sentence is the “a” that denotes the fact that I DRANK ONLY ONE. Just because some brats in college decided it was a good idea to drink multiple cans of this shit doesn’t mean that they should ruin it for the rest of us. Even though I don’t drink Joose on the regular every once in awhile it’s nice to know that you can stay awake enough to party and be drunk enough to party for only $3 or less. Because it’s not like I’m rolling in the dough or getting a full night’s sleep or anything…I’m a motherfucking scientist.

anyway the tl;dr is:

Bitches are gonna drink their alcohol. Bitches are gonna mix their caffeine and their alcohol so they can party after they’ve been working hard. If you miss alcoholic energy drinks after the ban, just dissolve some caffeine pills in a bottle of MD 20/20 and there ya go. I’ll leave you with this drinking anthem:


This entry was posted in Alcohol Review, Drunken Rants. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to In defense of Four Loko

  1. GingerSpicedRum says:

    As if we don’t already drink Red Bull with vodka. Please. Or caffeinated sodas. YES I KNOW THE ALCOHOL CONTENT IS HIGHER. So pay attention to volume consumed. I don’t see what the big fucking deal is. If they made 5Loko, I’d be all over that shit. In fact, bring on the 6Loko—I’m having a rough week.

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  4. scotchgirl says:

    I think you’ve just come up with the worst recipe for the worst mixed drink ever! A+

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